Some characters I’ve had beating in my head lately: Marianne the fly girl and her boyfriend, who I’m calling Marco.
Marco works a prestigious business job and subsidizes Marianne’s life of eating Mcdonalds, buying microtransactions on games, and never leaving her home. No one’s sure exactly what he sees in her, but he insists she’s exactly his type.
I was like “oh yeah that’s a fairly cute humanized fly” and then scrolled down to the fact that she mooches off an anthropomorphic fly trap boyfriend and couldn’t not reblog
This is Klump! From Donkey Kong Country! Now, Klumps are Kremlings that wear helmets, meaning that they can not be hurt from some attacks from above, like one of Diddy Kong’s jumps! To defeat them, you have to roll into them, or alternatively, throw a barrel at them! Understand that? Good! Now let’s get to what we’re all paying attention to here, and the obvious juiciest part of the enemy, on what might be the most risque Weird Mario Enemies post yet! Oh my~
Which is the fact that Klump has nipples. Now! There’s nothing wrong with that! I’m pretty sure most of us on this website have nipples, and if you don’t, that’s okay, but Klump, unlike most of us, is a reptile. Not a mammal! But obviously, it doesn’t make much sense for a reptile to have nipples. Do these crocodiles… feed their young? I know. This is almost disturbing imagery to be thinking of, but don’t blame it on me! Blame it on Rare! They designed this enemy! They made a conscious decision to give this crocodile nipples, and these questions were gonna be asked someday sooner or later because of it. Be careful with your character designs! You’ll end up with people awkwardly questioning them in the future!
This isn’t, of course, the last time Rare would give their characters nipples. Troff and Scoff, from Donkey Kong 64, also have nipples, but being a pig and a hippo, respectively, that makes them both mammals, which makes it slightly more okay. They probably still have the wrong number of nipples, but I’ll guess they lost the rest in the war.
Have you hit the unfollow button yet? It’s okay if you do, but I promise, this is probably the last time we’re talking about nipples on this blog.
In Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast, which was not made by Rare, they made a conscious decision not to give Klump nipples, though, with the reduced fangs and less scaly skin, Klump possibly looks more mammalian in this design than any other! Even without the feature that mammals are named for. He looks a bit more like the Kongs, which makes us question why the Kongs do not have nipples. Maybe Donkey Kong is a reptile all along?
They also put a bucket on his head, which I think means he can survive six times as many peas as the average zombie. Not sure if it resists more than a helmet though.
Donkey Kong 64, which was made by Rare, however, also featured a nippleless Klump. I guess that they realized the error of their ways.
Obviously, this post is completely safe-for-work. Klump and his pals are all male-presenting, so the censors will not kill Weird Mario Enemies. At least, they won’t today…
but really porn is just the canary in the coal mine that our supposed general purpose computing devices are tightly controlled by a duopoly that makes Microsoft in the ‘90s look relaxed and open minded: Apple doesn’t want porn apps on its phones, so there are no porn apps on its phones; other apps can stay if they tithe 30%, but they’re on thin fucking ice.
you can leave Tumblr and go to another social network, but if that gets sufficiently popular it will face the same threat, there is no escape.
the last bastion of freedom is the open web, and I anticipate the day when mobile Safari blocks access to sites that aren’t signed by Apple, for security reasons.
the right to install whatever software you want on your own computer is a vital one, and we should be fighting for it.
That same historian also said empress Theodora, now a saint of the Eastern Orthodox Church, would strip naked during theater performances and lie back so flocks of geese could eat barley from ‘the calyx of her passion flower’. And he adds her head would leave the royal palace at night, floating through the window, because she was actually a demon.
And I want all the pokemon in it. We have the technology. We can do this.
I want larger levels with branching tracks that you can plan ahead of time or switches you can hit by throwing apples or goading pokemon residents to do something to increase the replay value of the levels. Imagine choosing to either go up into the canopy or stay on the ground in a rainforest level, seeing the same environment different ways. A canopy filled with birds and plants, the ground filled with bugs and paras.
I want social pokemon engaging in natural behavior, including mature evolutions interacting with juveniles or territorial displays.
I want to have day and night versions for those levels, with different encounters. Maybe paths that can only be unlocked at night to play through again during the day. Perhaps they change with seasons, so Sawsbuck can be seen in all their glory, or with the phases of the moon influencing the presence of clefairy or ghost pokemon.
(And I really want to see a gengar arise from a clefable shadow)
An abandoned village, because there’s no humans in the Pokemon Snap island, where suburban pokemon like meowth furfrou still make their home and a damn Mr Mime that keeps trying to photobomb your shots.
A tropical beach where shoreline Pokemon can be coaxed up into the sand. Sandygast that can be coaxed to reveal themselves with food or likely prey, exeggcute rolling around between coconuts for camouflage and a suspiciously large palm tree that awakens with the pokeflute to reveal it’s really an aloan exeggutor.
An underwater level with schools of magicarp swimming instead of always just flopping around. Gyarados swimming over the top of you. Spooky kelp forests with a shipwreck where dhelmise, tentacruel, skrelp and dragalge lurk. Colorful reefs with frillish, horsea, clamperl, shellos and others flit around. The open water where Wailords and Lapras breach the surface and you can hear them sing.
I want an eeveelution in every level. And a ditto to find.
And I want a special level that can be unlocked by unearthing Fossils, one just populated by Pokemon of the past: all the fossil pokemon you’ve unlocked, and maybe some relicanth for good measure.
I have given this significantly more thought and will likely continue to do so. Someone mentioned shinies! And I’m like of course! Ever time you play there should be a random chance for any given pokemon to be a shiny, that just makes sense.
And people have mentioned making it free roam, but I feel like the on-rails aspect of the original Pokemon Snap gave it a lot of charm, and it limits the Pokemon from being able to interact with you.
Okay there’s a lot more legendaries and extra special pokemon than I remember. I was trying to make it work with one legendary a level, but I think that’s only going to work if they’re tied to particular events, maybe weather or dates or phases of the moon or something. Snapping other pokemon in other levels then going back to them?
But for now, imagine it…
You’re on the first level, and of course it’s a beach, because nostalgia. A pigey or three fly past, and you learn to use those camera controls again. A doduo runs past. There’s butterfree in the distance.
A cheeky little pikachu contemplates life on the sand, but there’s a krabby on the sand now! But what’s this? A spade? No! It’s a sandyghast lying in wait for that krabby!
But there’s a branching path now! You continue along the sand, perhaps the rocky path needs to be unlocked later.
There’s more krabby – sandyghast interactions. But if you save three by either stunning the sandyghast or feeding it apples, a Pallosand will appear, as will a Kingler out of the waves. A dodrio guards a nest, and doesn’t take kindly to your approach. It will calm down if you play the pokeflute though, and show you the eggs its sitting on.
If you go the other way, towards rocky cliffs, you drive under a turf war between a pigeotto and a couple of wingulls. You can interfere with your pesterballs, otherwise it’s a draw and they go their separate ways.
Shellos lurk around the rockpools, and more can be summoned with food. There are staryu sun baking here, but only during the day. Starmie can be found at night, twinking back up at the stars.
A gastrodon is having an altercation with a floatzel. The floatzel will retreat into the water, but if you interfere and pester the gastrodon away, and floatzel will be happy and run along side you for a little while. Give it some apples and it will signal for the buizel to come in from the waves.
You can take a detour into the palm forest and up the cliffs if you’ve unlocked that path, otherwise continue along the rocky shore…
The pigeotto is back if you scared if off before, harassing the wingulls again. Scare it off once more, and the third time it comes back a pelliper appears to defend those wingulls, with a neat action shot.
Below there are corphish in the shallow pools of water, but they’ll only pop out if you throw a pesterball in there. Sometimes you might get a crawdaunt instead.
There’s an oshawott and a Dewott investigating the pools for shells and treats, you can coax them closer with food. At night a Samurott will come in from the waves to the sound of the Pokeflute. By day there’s a poppilo hanging around, but it seems lonely.
But if you go to the cliffs…
The palms at the base of the cliffs hide an eevee, and bundles of exeggcute rolling around. You might find a ditto here, if you’re lucky, pretending to be an exeggcute on its own. They roll fast, and you’ll need a pester ball to stop them. You wind up the clifftop, over the heads of the palm trees.
The pigeotto is following you if you scared off the wingulls before, and lands on a tree. It sings, and a pigeot swoops in, in all its glory.
You leave them below as you continue to ascend the cliff side, only you can see now that the tallest tree is not just a tree, but a sleepy aloan exeggutor that will awaken to the pokeflute.
And somehow, not sure how yet, you can summon Lugia on this level.
Monsters and Stuff 